Blob of a Baby

Week 10                                                                          March 3, 2012

Every time I've seen other people's ultrasound pictures, I've struggled to see what is where and how that blob actually makes up a human being.

Now I get it

We had our own very first ultrasound on Friday and immediately when it was on the screen, we both were speechless as it was VERY obvious where the head was and we watched all four limbs moving about!  I couldn't believe how clear the image was of what was where!  She took a couple pictures, pointed out the umbilical cord, the dissipating yolk sack, and saw/heard that little heartbeat.  That's right, folks!  We've got a live one here!

We enjoyed every moment staring at the screen.  Ty was trying to kiss me and I struggled to take my eyes off the screen to enjoy the moment with him as I was afraid it would go away any second. 

She finished up the exam, and handed us our printouts of our wiggly little one.  What were the printouts of?

A blob that doesn't look like a human being. 

 Now from these pictures, I can still picture our little one squirming and the pictures help bring back those video moments... but now I get it.  I get why people show off their ultrasound pictures.  They see something different than the rest of the world ;)

Are we going to show off those pictures once we announce?  Well of course!  But feel free to fake the smiles and give a puzzling nod as you try to figure out what is where- no offense taken!  Nope, not one bit.  

But that blob you see? Well that's our little living blob who is currently wiggling around inside my tummy whom we already love like crazy.

Shared Dreams

10 Weeks                                                              March 1, 2012

So two nights ago, I had a dream that I was at the doctor and they couldn't find the heartbeat.  Nor could they find a baby.  I remember the shocking feeling and OH! did it feel real...  I woke up thinking that dream had been a memory from the day prior.  In the middle of the night, I find myself crying out to God asking Why?!? when immediately, a song popped into mind:

"Where you go I'll go, 

Where you stay I'll stay...

If this life I lose,

I will follow you"

And so I spent a good 10 minutes or so in prayer and worship, trying to learn complete surrender.  As soon as I felt at peace with it, another thought came to mind... That was a dream!  My appointment isn't until Friday and there is still hope!  I fell asleep thanking God it was only a dream but keeping in the back of my mind that if that dream comes true, that I can get to the point of peace knowing God is in control.

Saga ended, life moved on.  Great barrier passed.

Until

I found out that Tyler had the exact same dream...

                                                      ...the same night...
                                                          
                                                            ...sleeping next to me....

Cue rising internal panic.

My mind starts reeling... 
perhaps God is trying to warn us.  Perhaps I'm not really pregnant.  Perhaps it's all a test...

When I start thinking, what happened to that song?  What happened to my peaceful surrender?  Evaporated like a puff of smoke.  

This entire day, my worry has been on high alert and I continue to read from my Bible "Do not worry about tomorrow today" and listen to the "Follow you" song on repeat.  I pray God takes away this fear.   Why am I still disheveled?  This kind of stuff normally works!  So I pray God would bring the right song/verse/thought to mind that would do the trick- to help me truly surrender and that exact moment, He answered my prayer.  Again.  (Why am I always so shocked God is instantaneous?  He knew I was going to ask for it years ago!)  It took a larger perspective.  I started thinking about serving others for Christ and that God is the only one who knows what the personality of this baby is like.  He knows if the baby within me will be one to carry on His name in the way I pray our offspring will.  He alone knows the journey that Ty and I need to go through to strengthen our faith as well as the faiths of others.  

Finally...  

               ....  Serenity in Christ.

What will tomorrow's appointment bring?  God only knows (literally) but I trust Him.  And if it did end up being bad news, I'm sure another struggle to trust would arise, but for now?  I'm just taking today and resting in the peace of God's knowledge.

Thank you Jesus for continuously showing me whose hands this little life is in from the start.  Continue to remind me often as I'm sure parenting consists of a lot of surrender to you :)

I'd rather be dumb :)

6 weeks along

So, I'm a teacher.  My life revolves around constantly acquiring more knowledge to better my life and those around me.  I LOVE that we live in the age of google.  I find myself looking up silly questions everyday and learning extremely random facts  (Like who knew that the guy who invented cruise control was actually blind!)  I had an epiphany today.  Although I LOVE learning more- especially when it comes to how our bodies work, but perhaps knowledge isn't the best when it comes to faith...  Knowledge can be a wall that blocks faith.

"We've got to get to the point in our lives where we actually believe that God and His desires  for us are truly the things that are going to make us happiest, give us the most peace, and satisfy our souls.  We talk about this and know in our minds that its true, but somehow these beliefs don't make their way into our everyday lives.  I mean, if they did, wouldn't we be act different?  I don't think it's because we don't want to be happy or that we want to sabotage our own lives... maybe we just don't REALLY trust God.  We've got to decide that no matter what the cost, we want to be satisfied in God alone.  in Him alone... Anything in my life that are more exciting or more valuable to me than God, well that's an idol.  I don't want to be like that...  I want to be most satisfied in Him." Jeff Deyo

This week, I go in for my first dr.'s appt.  Evidently they don't do ultrasounds until later to listen for a heartbeat.  It can be hard to find until later so my dr. doesn't even try until they can be more sure of the result.  I'm so glad it's the way they do it- it gives me another opportunity (or rather forces me) to rest in God's knowledge.  

  I've been a little hungup on that nagging fact in the back of my head that I don't know if the baby inside me is developing correctly and that I'll make it to 12 weeks with a healthy baby.  But if you start to worry about that, where does it end?  Make it to 12 weeks and I'm sure there are so many other worries to worry about.  It's making me wonder if it was easier to have stronger faith back in the day when ultrasounds were not as readily available.  You would know less and therefore HAVE to trust God since there are not other options.  It starts to make me think that more knowledge could just means more worry.  WOah!  Epiphany!  Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  More knowledge isn't always best.  It allows for more opportunity for Satan to make His way in and use facts and knowledge to freak us out and lose faith in the Creator of the Universe.  

   That's it.  Our child's life may be in my belly, but it's certainly not in my hands.  Jesus- help remind me everyday of parenthood that YOU are in control and that I can truly trust your wisdom.  

I chose Option B

January 25, 2012

Well, seeing that I've had more early pregnancy symptoms when I wasn't pregnant makes for a difficult time to truly grasp the truth that the test was positive this morning.

That's right- Team Tufte is introducing another player to the team!

I woke up Ty to share.  He leaned over and thought I was dreaming and talking in my sleep.  It took him a little while to grasp that I had already been out of bed for a while and was sharing my news with him.

I'm excited but somewhat.... hesitant to go all-out joyful with it?  I guess I hear about so many women having miscarraiges that I don't want to assume that just because I test positive in my 5th week doesn't mean I'll still have a healthy baby in my tummy in a few months.   Or maybe it just needs to sink in.  It's something I've wanted for so long and with little to no symptoms, it's hard to truly believe it's true.  I guess right now I'm thankful for this little "secretive period" so it can sink in for both of us and talk about our thoughts/hopes/fears before we have anyone asking us questions or giving us unwelcome advice (or at least that's what my girl friends tell me- everyone's always got a better way to raise your kid).

But the best part of it all?  It's completely out of my hands.  COMPLETELY!  I don't have to try and balance my giving it up to God while still trying to help control the situation.  There's nothing I can do anymore (other than make healthy decisions in preparing the best environment for baby).  I know God has the best plan in mind.  He knows if the baby in there is the baby he wants us to have and raise and Lord willing, be another witness to His Great Name!  He knows and if it's not quite what's best, He'll show us. Maybe that's why it's not sinking in- maybe it's just that I'm feeling so incredibly relaxed and have complete Trust in God's ultimate plan.

Ahhhhh.. speaking of relaxing, I'm off to bed!

P.S.  Dear God, just a recap here... I chose Option B, you gave me symptoms that proved to me that your timing wasn't quite yet and taught me how to continue to trust even when option B doesn't give immediate results.... or so I thought.  Then told me to wait until today to test.  I trusted your Word, not understanding why you still wanted me to test but I did and Walla!  I'm amazed that you found a way to teach me how to not get my way.... yet you still gave me my way!  You are a trixter, God, but I'm so glad you work everything out the way you do.  And even here on out, every bit of this is in your hands and I refuse to try to grip that steering wheel again.  It's all yours!

Losing Control (on Purpose)

January 13, 2012

I'm a math teacher.  My life is governed by planning, order, and especially patterns.  

Exhibit A:

     Option 1:  I really want something in my life I don't have control over-> I work to find any possible way I can contribute the the success of it happening-> I pray and plead God for it to happen.

               Result?  Zip.  Zilch.  Zero.  Not an inkling of change to be found.

      Option 2:  I really want something in my life I don't have control over-> I realize the truth- I truly don't have any control over it-> Daily give it over to God and work to trust Him handling my life-> Become content with the fact that it may never happen if it's not in God's will

               Result?  BAM.  My wanted outcome appears immediately.

This has been my process with college, marriage, health issues, job situations, EVERY big thing in my life.

So here we are again at another "big event."  Tyler and I would like to have children.  What have I been doing the past few months?  Option 1.  (Seriously... God has to look down on us and just laugh aloud at how slowly we catch on...)  

But now, I've gotten smart.  It's here I find myself manipulating the system.  What if I tell God that I trust Him and try to trust Him... maybe that will give me the results I want! - when I realize... 

...Maybe.  JUST maybe... God might be onto me.  There's a slight chance that He knows I'm manipulating the system and am feigning release when I'm truly still clutching the steering wheel with white knuckles firmly at 10 & 2.

So I stop and I tell myself:  

"I need to put God in control."  

PUT God in control???  Now I don't remember much of English class but I do know that I'm the object of that sentence and I'm the one doing.  Really Natalie?  Can't you realize for one moment that you have no control?  God gives us freedom to make choices but He's the one in control.  He's always been in control.  And Thank the Lord Almighty that He always will be!  I wouldn't trust myself to control someone else's life- so why do I trust myself to control mine?  

Okay Lord.  I need your help.  I need your perseverance.  Evidently, I can't even relinquish control on my own so will you ever so gently ... PRY my hands off that steering wheel, recline my seat back, and be content with the journey.  Not for the purpose of getting my way, 

but even better... 

to get Yours.

Counting the Cost

Are you SURE you're a Christian?

A teen who joined us for a missions trip a few years ago recently quoted on facebook,

"its time to be concerned with a generation whose 

christianity doesn't cost them anything."

 Her quote really got me thinking.  Jesus told us we'll have to "count the cost".  If we're asking, "what cost?" then it may be time to question our true allegiance.  

Luke 24:33

 "In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples."

I'm not sure Jesus could have made that more clear.   I used to think that just meant the 12 disciples but more and more I'm realizing that he's talking to anyone who wants to follow him.  From the moment he uttered the words until He returns.

We gave our puppy away in the fall since we knew we couldn't take care of him in the way he needed.  When we gave him away, we no longer controlled his environment, no longer trained him, we no longer have a say in the way he's raised.  The reason we gave him to the people we did is that we trust that family will give him a better life than we ever could have.  If I were going over to their house to constantly see the puppy and start telling them things they should train him for, then I would be trying to take back control of something I gave up- which means I never truly gave him up in the first place.

So did you truly give your life to Christ?  The sinner's prayer is simply a declaration of the actions you're promising to follow through with.  Did you follow through?  Are you following through?  Or are you going back on your promise and taking back control of your life.  It is a constant battle and it is a constant release of power back to Christ everyday, but that's what it takes to be His disciple.  And in order to have the strength and even the desire to give it back to God everyday, I find I must spend time with Him daily to renew that strength and desire.

In what ways are you currently serving Christ?

This is a deep conviction to me that I know I struggle releasing power I think I hold on my life, and it's making me scared for some that don't believe Christianity has a cost.  I certainly don't know anyone's heart the way God does and He's the only one who knows if you're willing to give up everything, but it's certainly worth the moment to take a step back, spend some time with God, and ask Him if you are truly following Him.  

There absolutely is a cost to following Christ, but the blessings are "more than we can ask or imagine" Ephesians 3:20

Christmas Day- From Heaven's Perspective

   At Christmas time, we're always thinking from our perspective, or perhaps Mary or Joseph since we're most like them when truly, the biggest change happening that glorious day was probably sorrowful/bittersweet for all of Heaven.  They were saying goodbye for a short time to their King.  The right hand of God leaving his throne to be put in sensitive flesh and tossed on a pile of itchy hay in a manger.  Bebo Norman articulates it best:

Or do you think all of Heaven was "in on it"- knowing that this small going away party would benefit the rest of History.  Makes you wonder...

Either way, thank you, Jesus for being willing to step from your throne into the humblest of "welcome parties" all so you can welcome us into Heaven one day.