Losing Control (on Purpose)

January 13, 2012

I'm a math teacher.  My life is governed by planning, order, and especially patterns.  

Exhibit A:

     Option 1:  I really want something in my life I don't have control over-> I work to find any possible way I can contribute the the success of it happening-> I pray and plead God for it to happen.

               Result?  Zip.  Zilch.  Zero.  Not an inkling of change to be found.

      Option 2:  I really want something in my life I don't have control over-> I realize the truth- I truly don't have any control over it-> Daily give it over to God and work to trust Him handling my life-> Become content with the fact that it may never happen if it's not in God's will

               Result?  BAM.  My wanted outcome appears immediately.

This has been my process with college, marriage, health issues, job situations, EVERY big thing in my life.

So here we are again at another "big event."  Tyler and I would like to have children.  What have I been doing the past few months?  Option 1.  (Seriously... God has to look down on us and just laugh aloud at how slowly we catch on...)  

But now, I've gotten smart.  It's here I find myself manipulating the system.  What if I tell God that I trust Him and try to trust Him... maybe that will give me the results I want! - when I realize... 

...Maybe.  JUST maybe... God might be onto me.  There's a slight chance that He knows I'm manipulating the system and am feigning release when I'm truly still clutching the steering wheel with white knuckles firmly at 10 & 2.

So I stop and I tell myself:  

"I need to put God in control."  

PUT God in control???  Now I don't remember much of English class but I do know that I'm the object of that sentence and I'm the one doing.  Really Natalie?  Can't you realize for one moment that you have no control?  God gives us freedom to make choices but He's the one in control.  He's always been in control.  And Thank the Lord Almighty that He always will be!  I wouldn't trust myself to control someone else's life- so why do I trust myself to control mine?  

Okay Lord.  I need your help.  I need your perseverance.  Evidently, I can't even relinquish control on my own so will you ever so gently ... PRY my hands off that steering wheel, recline my seat back, and be content with the journey.  Not for the purpose of getting my way, 

but even better... 

to get Yours.