So two nights ago, I had a dream that I was at the doctor and they couldn't find the heartbeat. Nor could they find a baby. I remember the shocking feeling and OH! did it feel real... I woke up thinking that dream had been a memory from the day prior. In the middle of the night, I find myself crying out to God asking Why?!? when immediately, a song popped into mind:
"Where you go I'll go,
Where you stay I'll stay...
If this life I lose,
I will follow you"
And so I spent a good 10 minutes or so in prayer and worship, trying to learn complete surrender. As soon as I felt at peace with it, another thought came to mind... That was a dream! My appointment isn't until Friday and there is still hope! I fell asleep thanking God it was only a dream but keeping in the back of my mind that if that dream comes true, that I can get to the point of peace knowing God is in control.
Saga ended, life moved on. Great barrier passed.
Until
I found out that Tyler had the exact same dream...
...the same night...
...sleeping next to me....
Cue rising internal panic.
perhaps God is trying to warn us. Perhaps I'm not really pregnant. Perhaps it's all a test...
When I start thinking, what happened to that song? What happened to my peaceful surrender? Evaporated like a puff of smoke.
This entire day, my worry has been on high alert and I continue to read from my Bible "Do not worry about tomorrow today" and listen to the "Follow you" song on repeat. I pray God takes away this fear. Why am I still disheveled? This kind of stuff normally works! So I pray God would bring the right song/verse/thought to mind that would do the trick- to help me truly surrender and that exact moment, He answered my prayer. Again. (Why am I always so shocked God is instantaneous? He knew I was going to ask for it years ago!) It took a larger perspective. I started thinking about serving others for Christ and that God is the only one who knows what the personality of this baby is like. He knows if the baby within me will be one to carry on His name in the way I pray our offspring will. He alone knows the journey that Ty and I need to go through to strengthen our faith as well as the faiths of others.
Finally...
.... Serenity in Christ.
What will tomorrow's appointment bring? God only knows (literally) but I trust Him. And if it did end up being bad news, I'm sure another struggle to trust would arise, but for now? I'm just taking today and resting in the peace of God's knowledge.
Thank you Jesus for continuously showing me whose hands this little life is in from the start. Continue to remind me often as I'm sure parenting consists of a lot of surrender to you :)
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