I chose Option B

January 25, 2012

Well, seeing that I've had more early pregnancy symptoms when I wasn't pregnant makes for a difficult time to truly grasp the truth that the test was positive this morning.

That's right- Team Tufte is introducing another player to the team!

I woke up Ty to share.  He leaned over and thought I was dreaming and talking in my sleep.  It took him a little while to grasp that I had already been out of bed for a while and was sharing my news with him.

I'm excited but somewhat.... hesitant to go all-out joyful with it?  I guess I hear about so many women having miscarraiges that I don't want to assume that just because I test positive in my 5th week doesn't mean I'll still have a healthy baby in my tummy in a few months.   Or maybe it just needs to sink in.  It's something I've wanted for so long and with little to no symptoms, it's hard to truly believe it's true.  I guess right now I'm thankful for this little "secretive period" so it can sink in for both of us and talk about our thoughts/hopes/fears before we have anyone asking us questions or giving us unwelcome advice (or at least that's what my girl friends tell me- everyone's always got a better way to raise your kid).

But the best part of it all?  It's completely out of my hands.  COMPLETELY!  I don't have to try and balance my giving it up to God while still trying to help control the situation.  There's nothing I can do anymore (other than make healthy decisions in preparing the best environment for baby).  I know God has the best plan in mind.  He knows if the baby in there is the baby he wants us to have and raise and Lord willing, be another witness to His Great Name!  He knows and if it's not quite what's best, He'll show us. Maybe that's why it's not sinking in- maybe it's just that I'm feeling so incredibly relaxed and have complete Trust in God's ultimate plan.

Ahhhhh.. speaking of relaxing, I'm off to bed!

P.S.  Dear God, just a recap here... I chose Option B, you gave me symptoms that proved to me that your timing wasn't quite yet and taught me how to continue to trust even when option B doesn't give immediate results.... or so I thought.  Then told me to wait until today to test.  I trusted your Word, not understanding why you still wanted me to test but I did and Walla!  I'm amazed that you found a way to teach me how to not get my way.... yet you still gave me my way!  You are a trixter, God, but I'm so glad you work everything out the way you do.  And even here on out, every bit of this is in your hands and I refuse to try to grip that steering wheel again.  It's all yours!